Sep 24

I can tell you now, things aren’t as great as they used to be.

Even I’ll admit that I’m but a shadow of the person I used to be. Nap time in prep has well and truly passed, and even the pleasures in “guilty pleasures” has been removed; only the guilt remains.

Yes, I’m aware of how emo this particular post may sound, but hear me out. If this doesn’t particularly appeal to you, no one’s forcing you to stay.

So. If you were to tell me right at this second that everything’s just gone to hell on a handcart, I’d say you were about right.

I guess the problem comes from not knowing what I want to do. Like my Windows 7 party, I’ll go through the motions to make it seem like I have everything planned out, and had everything gone my way I would have given it everything. Unfortunately for me things haven’t gone my way, and now I’m just… lost.

It’s alsmost surreal. I lack motivation for anything, and things which seemed once enjoyable just aren’t anymore – just something to pay the bills and feed my gaming addiction, you know?

Honestly, I couldn’t care less. Procrastination is my modus operandi, and everything just seems to lack excitement, or any kind of payoff. Even things which mildly interest me, such as web development seem like utter crap when assessed. Assessment just takes all the fun out of it, you know? What’s the point, really? So I can get some piece of paper that says I can do certain things? Hoo-rah, gentlemen.

I don’t think I’ve asked myself the big questions in a little while – what do I want out of life, where do I see myself in 10 years, what do I want to be doing, etc – but even if I asked them today, I honestly wouldn’t have an answer.

It’s somewhat sad, because I know I’ve got my whole life in front of me, and yet I have no idea what to do with it. I know I want to do something (anything else would just be a waste), but I’m just not sure what.

It’s like like the lights are on, but there’s no one a home. It’s like there’s a door, and you can knock on it, but no matter how long or hard you knock, you’ll never get an answer.

Everything has fallen apart, gentlemen. And like Humpty Dumpty, I’m not quite sure I can put it all back together again.

written by Benny Ling at 8:52 am, Thursday 24 September, 2009 \\ tags: , , , ,

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