Sep 24

I can tell you now, things aren’t as great as they used to be.

Even I’ll admit that I’m but a shadow of the person I used to be. Nap time in prep has well and truly passed, and even the pleasures in “guilty pleasures” has been removed; only the guilt remains.

Yes, I’m aware of how emo this particular post may sound, but hear me out. If this doesn’t particularly appeal to you, no one’s forcing you to stay.

So. If you were to tell me right at this second that everything’s just gone to hell on a handcart, I’d say you were about right.

I guess the problem comes from not knowing what I want to do. Like my Windows 7 party, I’ll go through the motions to make it seem like I have everything planned out, and had everything gone my way I would have given it everything. Unfortunately for me things haven’t gone my way, and now I’m just… lost.

It’s alsmost surreal. I lack motivation for anything, and things which seemed once enjoyable just aren’t anymore – just something to pay the bills and feed my gaming addiction, you know?

Honestly, I couldn’t care less. Procrastination is my modus operandi, and everything just seems to lack excitement, or any kind of payoff. Even things which mildly interest me, such as web development seem like utter crap when assessed. Assessment just takes all the fun out of it, you know? What’s the point, really? So I can get some piece of paper that says I can do certain things? Hoo-rah, gentlemen.

I don’t think I’ve asked myself the big questions in a little while – what do I want out of life, where do I see myself in 10 years, what do I want to be doing, etc – but even if I asked them today, I honestly wouldn’t have an answer.

It’s somewhat sad, because I know I’ve got my whole life in front of me, and yet I have no idea what to do with it. I know I want to do something (anything else would just be a waste), but I’m just not sure what.

It’s like like the lights are on, but there’s no one a home. It’s like there’s a door, and you can knock on it, but no matter how long or hard you knock, you’ll never get an answer.

Everything has fallen apart, gentlemen. And like Humpty Dumpty, I’m not quite sure I can put it all back together again.

written by Benny Ling \\ tags: , , , ,

Sep 01

As I sit here and write this, staring with a certain sense of gloom into the bottom of my now-empty mug of Fruit Loops and warm milk on the wrong side of 12am I hold in my hands a small ticket stub.

It’s no ordinary ticket stub. It didn’t originate from the movies, the opera, a live sporting game, or any other place that would normally distribute tickets in return for admission into their respective venues/events.

It’s a ticket stub from Youth Alive 2009, but whether that’s relevant to this message is debatable. As I look upon this half-torn ticket stub I think about the events that it reflected – the incredible stench of the mosh pit, the “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen” comment I made when some girls left the mosh pit, the energy that was conveyed through light and sound.

It’s almost saddening that the only physical reminder of what was an exceptional event is a torn-in-half ticket stub. There might be a poster here or there, some facebook posts, even a photo or two, but apart from that, the only tangible reminder that that event actually happened is this ticket stub.

Sometimes I wish that I had a Pensieve like Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies, just so I can store my thoughts and memories for later. I know that one of these days I’ll grow old and that some of these memories will start to fade, and then what? I’ll become old and only somewhat-relevant like one of my Uni lecturers? I don’t want to be one of those people  that start reminiscing out loud whenever I get the chance – of course it’ll mean that I have lots of experience, but experience means nothing if you can’t apply it in any relevant form.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that unlike what certain films would suggest, diamonds aren’t forever, and neither are memories. Tangible things – the things we can touch, see, smell, and taste – are the most pertinent reminders of people we once were, and I’d hate for that to all go to waste.

Carpe diem.

written by Benny Ling \\ tags: , , , ,